Vampyros Lesbos (1971) – 2/5

Only good if you’re horny

The acting is pretty bad, the story is really bad, but this one is worth the watch for the stunning looks of Ewa Strömberg and Soledad Miranda. I guess one of the two will also appeal to you depending on if you are either more into blondes or brunettes. For me it was Miranda (even if her dubbed voice sounded like a 60-year-old chain smoker). Sad to see that she was already dead from a car accident when this film came out. Anyway, the director and writer here is the legendary Jesús Franco, who died 2 years ago. This is among his most known works, but hopefully not among his best. Haven’t seen his other works, so I can’t compare. He also plays a supporting character in here, who initially seems kind, but eventually really turns into an evil creep. I have to admit that his performance early on was the only moment where I had to laugh during the film although I am not sure if this was intended. This 85-minute or 90-minute film (or even way shorter in the Spanish version) here has a mix of vampire story, love story with a couple drama elements and some supernatural and pretty human dangerous characters. The only one who gave a somewhat solid performance in terms of acting was Dennis Price, but obviously he cannot save this movie and terrible script on his own. Lots of nudity in here and bush was still a thing back in the early 1970s almost 50 years ago.

I will just go on with some brainstorming now or actually I am pretty much in the middle of it already: Miranda’s character’s voice I mentioned already, but it is so off that it deserves another inclusion. Pity. Then again, if you are going for another language than German, they hopefully made a better choice. I am not sure if this was supposed to imply that she is a really old vampire. But then again, also her voice could have gotten when the last occasion on which she drank blood was not too far ago. So yeah, the primary language here is German, even if none of the actors spoke it. The reason is it was a co-production between West Germany and Spain (obviously with Franco) for the German market and you also find at least one German production company in charge here. Fittingly there are also almost half a dozen German titles under which you can find the film. The most known is probably the German literal translation of „The Heiress of Dracula“. The other thing this film has that stays a bit in the mind, but not really for the right reasons, is the soundtrack. Extremely psychedelic on many occasions and sometimes they even included strange sounds that felt as if they came from a really old phone with a bad connection. Or walkie-talkie style.

The film’s biggest issue was maybe the lack of chemistry between Miranda and Strömberg. I guess the somewhat sensual opening sequence was supposed to imply right away that there was really something going on between the two, but for me it was not working the way it should have for the film to feel realistic. On the contrary, I was more amused by the audience depicted thereafter. The aforementioned is also why I saw the blonde killing the brunette in the end from a totally different light because there was not so much between the two as we were led to believe there was. I am definitely not sure if this was Franco’s intention. He was one of the writers as well. There are two others: Chávarri is still alive and about Settimó you cannot really find a lot of background. As I (re)watched some Dracula/Nosferatu stuff in recent years, I realized that there are some connections in here, such as one female protagonist going on a trip early on to visit another for business reasons. Here it is two girls of course and the action is set in Turkey, but parts were films in Germany as well. We also have another female (Agra/Kussin) who is struggling obviously from what Miranda’s character may have done to her. Dennis Price may be a take on Van Helsing perhaps. I am not too sure. If so, it was a rather clumsy take in terms of how the character was written.

There are many flaws to find here: Take some of the dialogue writing that made no sense at all, although I would not be surprised if you cannot blame Franco completely there, but also the translators were just not getting it and some of it got lost in translation. The idea there early on how the human protagonist saw the vampire in a dream, then apparently in real life somewhere at a club or so and eventually during her trip to Anatolia that was supposed to raise suspense and mystery did not do a lot for me, but only resulted in the thought that it was all too much coincidence. I think the rats element or Plague element and how the vampire’s presence in the city caused death everywhere was not included here. Maybe Franco also wanted to make sure for the film to not become too dark. The abduction towards the end also felt more like a comedic nature to me, but again I am not sure at all if this was intended. The entire thing was just so bizarre all along, also relatively early when the two women are on the beach somewhere jumping around almost naked as if they had been BFFs forever. There were still minor clothes on them though here and there and we also do not get any crotch or genitalia close-ups. Franco always included a lot of nudity and sometimes even sexual violence, but he was never really an adult film maker.

Finally, it can be said that, gently-speaking, the male characters here are not really depicted in a positive light. Not at all. Either they are incompetent and weak or they cannot make special connections or they cannot satisfy their women or they are mindless helpers of evil etc. You will find more depictions of this. Or they are psychiatrists drawing random little sketches while their female patients open up to them. I have to admit this was another moment where I had to laugh. What I did not find funny though was the very ending then when apparently in some allegedly super interesting plot twist, it was all just a dream? This was so rushed in and the closing credits happened right thereafter. It felt as if Franco, who was around the age of 40 when he shot this, but already an experienced filmmaker, realized he already had enough material and was not allowed to go over 1.5 hours, so he had to pretty much put this twist into 30 seconds then in the end. The outcome overall is just way too amateurish for various reasons. It is only somewhat acceptable because it gets slightly better after a really poor beginning and even then, it is only somewhat worth it from the guilty pleasure perspective, even if I would not call it a cult film either. We have characters randomly moving around on the floor as if they are having sex this very moment or at least really want to when this was supposed to depict them struggling with sanity and demons inside them. Well, the „inside them“ may have a double meaning there. So yeah, this was not a good watch at all unless you are really horny, but then you also could go for some real stuff instead of this softcore wannabe movie. Not recommended and I am glad it was this short. Seeing it once is already one time too many.